SAM VAKNIN
authored Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East.
VAKNIN served as a columnist for Global Politician, Central Europe Review, PopMatters, and eBookWeb, a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.
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SAM VAKNIN
Why Does a Narcissist Write Poetry?
They say, with a knowing smile: "If he is really a narcissist - how come
he writes such beautiful poetry".
"Words are the sounds of emotions" - they add - "and he claims to have
none". They are smug and comfortable in their well classified world, my
doubters.
But I use words as others use algebraic signs: with meticulousness,
with caution, with the precision of the artisan. I sculpt in words. I stop.
I tilt my head. I listen to the echoes. The tables of emotional resonance.
The fine tuned reverberations of pain and love and fear. Air waves and
photonic ricochets answered by chemicals secreted in my listeners
and my readers.
I know beauty. I have always known it in the biblical sense, it was my
passionate mistress. We made love. We procreated the cold children
of my texts. I measured its aesthetics admiringly. But this is the
mathematics of grammar. It was merely the undulating geometry of
syntax.
Devoid of all emotions, I watch your reactions with the sated amusement
of a Roman nobleman.
I wrote:
"My world is painted in shadows of fear and sadness. Perhaps they
are related - I fear the sadness. To avoid the overweening, sepia
melancholy that lurks in the dark corners of my being - I deny my
own emotions. I do so thoroughly, with the single-mindedness of
a survivor. I persevere through dehumanization. I automate my
processes. Gradually, parts of my flesh turn into metal and I stand
there, exposed to sheering winds, as grandiose as my disorder.
I write poetry not because I need to. I write poetry to gain attention,
to secure adulation, to fasten on to the reflection in the eyes of
others that passes for my Ego. My words are fireworks, formulas
of resonance, the periodic table of healing and abuse.
These are dark poems. A wasted landscape of pain ossified, of
scarred remnants of emotions. There is no horror in abuse. The
terror is in the endurance, in the dreamlike detachment from one's
own existence that follows. People around me feel my surrealism.
They back away, alienated, discomfited by the limpid placenta of
my virtual reality.
Now I am left alone and I write umbilical poems as others would
converse.
Before and after prison, I have written reference books and essays.
My first book of short fiction was critically acclaimed and
commercially successful.
I tried my hand at poetry before, in Hebrew, but failed. 'Tis strange.
They say that poetry is the daughter of emotion. Not in my case.
I never felt except in prison - and yet there, I wrote in prose. The
poetry I authored as one does math. It was the syllabic music that
attracted me, the power to compose with words. I wasn't looking to
express any profound truth or to convey a thing about myself. I
wanted to recreate the magic of the broken metric. I still recite aloud
A poem until it SOUNDS right. I write upright - the legacy of prison.
I stand and type on a laptop perched atop a cardboard box. It is
ascetic and, to me, so is poetry. A purity. An abstraction. A string
of symbols open to exegesis. It is the most sublime intellectual
pursuit in a world that narrowed down and has become only my
intellect."
©2006 SAM VAKNIN |
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