LYN LIFSHIN
Once in a New Mexico Airport
with too many hours and not a
good book I went over the men who
touched me, literally, not the ones
I might have longed for, passed like
any stranger on a train. I remember
the names the numbers. Some were
still in my address book. One, an
English professor has eluded me though
I remember his long fingers cutting
steak. if he'd mattered more it might
have mattered that I didn't remember.
Sometimes it was the scent, part skin,
part cigarette. Another poet, the second
one and the first, how I couldn't forget
with a crypt of letters and poems he
wrote to me, his stories of yelling poems
from roofs of houses he broke into.
Sometimes I can hear the way he said
Albany with a California accent, feel
his body in mine, the first time I felt
what I wondered if I'd been feeling.
The third knew Kerouac but I only
remember his first name. In some note
book, maybe in my archives, a list.
Some I remember for flowers left in
a blue Persian jar, for the horse chestnut
he yelped over trying to find my cat.
I try to think of the hardest belly, am
surprised, it's one so near in time he
still blocks the light. As for the ones
with something missing, what is
gone, a leg, an eye, an ear, what's
gone makes them more memorable,
unique as it without sight, their fingers
could tell everything, like Ray Charles
and his women in Ray. I remember
the positions, the dining room table but
not who pinned me down on the burled
fruitwood. The ones who left in the
night, insomniacs, lovers, the ones who
couldn't take more intimacy than a fuck,
chirped, "it's not you, it's me" as if
that would make a difference. Then I
think of the ones who said, what I did
I did better than anyone, how one still
remembers my skin, my cougar things.
How another said "California" differently
than anyone had before or how, afterward,
the lines on his face vanished as some of
the faces have, hope that will be enough