Falling Sleep in Dark Rain Afternoon after Listening to Tapes of My Mother Dream
from 1988 in upstate New York and Vermont,
Middlebury and Stowe. The last words on tape,
ďweíre both getting tired,Ē I say to her, ďlets
finish this later.Ē The couch down here in
Virginia has too many pillows on it to sleep so
I go to the manís leather chair in the sun room.
Half asleep stil,l I hear what Iím sure is my
motherís voice tho sheís been dead since 1990.
Sheís asking if I want her to turn off the light.
I suppose I slept more. When I woke it was still
so quiet. Where is everyone? Are they in
bedrooms? Mine is a big room above where I
am sleeping but where can my father and mother
be sleeping? There doesnít seem room for both of
them. And my sister? Always a problem but
still part of where Iím living. I know my study
is in front of the houseóthere is just no room
for me there. When I hear footsteps I know itís my
father and try to hurry so we donít collide,
so I donít run into him as I did in our flat in Vermont
where Iíd avoid him in the long book cased hall.
But I canít avoid him and he hugs me Ėso odd I think,
my father be sharing my bed, is putting his arms
around me as he never did. Weird. Earlier
in the half sleep daze I wonder if the man is J
who I live withóit takes me a while to realize this.
Is he taking me to ballroom? And what of my
mother? What exactly does she look like
now? Black hair, or is it white? I donít
remember seeing her at ballroom but sheís
ready to get in the car and then I realize
there is only the one I live with. There
is no other family. No fatheróthere hardly
was. She and Ben are buried under a
spreading maple and my sister and I have
not spoken for over ten years
poetryrepairs #225 15,06:063
The Dream after Listening to the Tapes of the Dead
THE DREAM AFTER LISTENING TO THE TAPES OF THE DEAD
the interview wasnít going that
well. My mother sounded tired
and I was getting tired too so I
said letís take a break. At that
moment I turned off the tape
and went to lie down on the
blue velvet sofa same color as
the one in my motherís house.
I never lie there but it was
too full of velvet pillows so I went
into the sun room and sat in
my boyfriendís chair, another
thing I rarely do. It wasnít
comfortable but I fell asleep.
This is the weird part. I must have
been half asleep, half awake.
I was in this house but back with
my family. I started wondering
how all 4 of us could live here. I
could visualize my room which
is big but it is my room alone.
And I was aware of the studies
but I couldnít get how we could
all live there. Where was my
mother and fatherís bed room?
And where was everyone?
My boy friend was not part of the
dream. I tried to figure out how
my father took me to ballroom
and where was my mother?
Did my father sleep in my room?
And why didnít my sister come
to dance? She was always the
better dancer and pretty but she
didnít do it. But then, even stranger,
I walked into the kitchen still in
this half dream and heard what I was
sure was my father coming up the
stairs. I tried to get away the way
Iíd avoid him in the apartment but
my timing was off and we both
got to the top of the stairs
and he hugged me. I was shocked,
he never did anything like this.
I had no sense this was not my father
but my boyfriend. I stayed awake in
the dream a long time. I didnít know
how my father was going to get
ready for ballroom or if we were
already late, didnít know if I
was in the past or present
poetryrepairs #225 15,06:063
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